“You are by far the most unlucky person I have ever known.” friends would tell me, with the best of intentions. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of that. Thanks, I think? Yet I was sure that 29 years of life’s unimaginable kicks to the gut and stabs in the back had taken its toll. I was almost filled to capacity… and then, like gasoline meshing with a lit match, life sucker-punched me the hardest I had ever been hit before. Life’s previous kicks and stabs were mere child’s play in relation to the latest devastating blow I had received.
There was an amazingly intricate plan. Each facet carefully devised and thought-out, then pursued… yet through divine-intervention and intuitiveness of a close friend what I had whole-heartedly strived to accomplish never concluded…
Later that evening within the safe confines of a friend’s home, I was called from the basement into the office. I found people within my life gathered around, to my surprise, and heard familiar voices, yet didn’t see the bodies of which they came from. I soon learned a host of other people had joined in this room via conference call. And thus, the discussion began. “We care so much about you.” “You need help, more help than we can give you collectively.” “I am not mad- but I am hurt. I almost lost my best friend today. I cannot let that happen. Not now.” “We’re your friends, but we are not professionals. You need a professional to help you through this.” I was overwhelmed with frustration and anger, yet I was able to set that aside and see a room full of love. A room full of friends and family who needed me; who wanted me; and who only wanted to see me thrive. Thus, I heeded their advice and immediately sought and received professional support for the hurt, pain, anger, and depression that was harnessed deep within my very core.
It wasn’t easy, but the insight I gained about myself through therapy and how to manage life’s sucker-punches brought a new understanding to life. A new perspective to living. A new way of seeing myself for who I really am and situations for what they really were. I grew tremendously; found myself livelier, brighter; my life of darkness became so much more colorful. The help I sought saved me from myself.
916 days after it all almost ended I am experiencing joys I never dreamt of. I still have a beautiful and loving wife. Our relationship has grown with the help we each sought separately, as well as together. So many things that were once foreign to us, we now understand. I also share delight with an amazing daughter I now get to share a life with. To think the moments I enjoy today may have never happened hurts; yet I am reminded how much stronger I am; how important and worthwhile to so many people my existence is; that life is indeed worth living. Yes, life still kicks me in the gut and throws sucker-punches to my face, twice as hard as before in some instances, but now I can handle these. Now, these do not seem so bad. I am wiser, stronger and happier with a resilience I have always had within me, but now recognize and use.
For those who know someone captivated by darkness, please do not be afraid to offer support and love. Your concern can easily make a difference in the life you touch. Take that step to support a friend or family member in need. Do not be shy to address a tough situation- you’ll never regret it.
For those who see a reason to bring it all to an end, I tell you that happiness IS possible. You can experience the joy and life you’ve always dreamt of. Trust me, I get it. You feel as if you’re falling through a bottomless pit of darkness, hurt, pain, anger, sadness. Yet, no matter how deep you’ve fallen into this dark, cold, lonely pit, there is light gleaming at the top. Even though you may not see it, it is there. Go for the light. It is attainable. The closer you come, the brighter it gets. Embrace the love & support of your friendships, as well as professional help. I can tell you, even when you doubt you can do it, you can make it to the light. You can be all you want to be and do all you want to do. It may all seem too far away now, but it is not impossible. You can do it.
I still get “You’ve gotta be the unluckiest person I know” occasionally. I chuckle inside. Frankly, I am the luckiest person I know. I share in joys and happiness that at one time came near to never being possible. Be fair, allow yourself the chance to say “I am the luckiest person I know.”